All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize