That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
