You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
