He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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