but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I AM VODKA MAN
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
