if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize