she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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