I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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