I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
