There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
They left me at home... I'm a liability
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
