we're chasing vodka with high fives
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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