took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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