Betty ford says i'm here all night
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize