I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
