Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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