He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
