she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
