ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
