Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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