Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
