thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
