I just saw a hot homeless man
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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