So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
