she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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