tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
