i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
