this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
