If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
