your thong is hanging out like whoa
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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