So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
