Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize