There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
