I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize