hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
