i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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