She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
