i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
