The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
