We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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