tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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