If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
