I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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