Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
