Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
