I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
