How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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