There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
