I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize