So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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