I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
