My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sarcasm needs its own font
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
