Me too!
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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