there's paper in my vomit.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
