Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
