um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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