God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
