My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
