I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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