Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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