All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
