so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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