honey bunches of taint.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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