Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
