yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
